jet lagggggggged

I'm back! Back from an awesome vacation in Italy! I'll probably be doing a 10 part blog installment or something because there's so much to tell and lots of images and even a few videos to post. But in the meantime, we've been sleeping 9-12+ hours per day since we got back after a brutally long 32 straight hours of check out, taxi service, check-in, flight, transfer, flight, baggage claim, customs, more check-in, more flight, more baggage claim and much standing in lines and waiting about in between.

We did manage to step out for some groceries though, and the freakin' loads of laundry has begun. On the way home from Trader Joe's I said, "I'm SO tired... I either need milk or a nap." Don't know what that means? Neither do I! I'm pretty sure 'twas delirium.

since when has my Google page become iGoogle?

Enough with adding the small "i" in front of things already!!! I don't even know what it means anymore! First it was "e" everything, now this... how about using the letter "f" in front of everything? THAT would be something I'd like to see... fBush, fMicrosoft, fExxon, fRepublicans...

mad world

So last night I was using Google maps to plot where to go in NYC and Italy and decided to take a gander at Afghanistan as well. I figured I'd come across some high resolution shots because of the conflict in the region. Sure enough, near an airport at what I'm guessing is Mazar-e Sharif were some incredibly detailed shots. Of course, what I found was more than I bargained for. I saw damaged planes on the runway and half the city looked like it had been erased poorly in photoshop. In Kabul, the airport is surrounded by what I'm assuming are US military facilities. Everything else beyond it looks destroyed.

It was all quite very sad and very much put in perspective what I've been complaining about recently. Just thinking about it makes me feel ill. George Bush and his administration can't leave soon enough, and when they all eventually die, I'm sure there will be a special place in hell for them right next to where Hitler and Slobodan Milošević are staying.

yellow recluse

Either I'm going to do something worthy of a genius or become another unabomber. At least I think that's the direction I'm headed in unless I figure out a way to get out of the house more often. Actually, I now have acrylics and those blank canvases in the garage are calling my name.

And if I do become a unabomber, believe you me, I'd come up with a much cooler name. UNAbomber? One bomber? That isn't imaginative at all! I'd be something like, The Bombastic Bombadierello, or The Dark Hand of Dark Justice in a Dark Alley, or maybe even the Ragin' Asian (actually, maybe not that last one, all things considered). I'd also have to come up with a cool logo, too. Hmm... this is starting to sound like a lot of work - I think I'll just sneak out and buy a bucket of KFC instead. Mmmmm... all dark meat please... thighs and drumsticks.... it's calorific!

Why aren't there vegitarian eating contests?

Okay, not a contest to eat vegetarians, but an eating contest that would have people compete against each other by eating various vegetarian food. I think there's a certain irony to it that appeals to me. "Oooo... don't eat meat... it's MURDER!" and then cut to a bunch of people scarfing down as many carrots as they can. Or tofu. Or sprouts (my favorite visual). Or maybe soy burgers. Tofurkey?

3000 years can't be wrong

Since the topic of health has been on my mind lately, I thought it'd be a great idea to throw down some Eastern medical knowledge on ya. But being mindful (and not really knowing that much), I'll go over a few simple things that I've used for my entire life and I can say from experience, works great! It's been fun introducing Cathryn to them and seeing that they work on non Chinese people too :)

Hirudoid
German product, distributed in Thailand and worldwide

Can be used for: bruises and burns, topical ONLY
I primarily use this stuff for bruises. Remember that ugly shot from the previous blog entry? Now gone in 4 days! Downside? The harder you rub on your bruise, the better this stuff works. More frequent applications dissipate the thrombosis more quickly. It's been fun helping Cathryn "build character" with this one ;)

The key to using Hirudoid is to KEEP APPLYING it for at least 3 days after your bruises can no longer be seen; longer if your bruise is severe. A bruise is basically a collection of clots and damaged tissue. If you don't rub all of it out completely, you can end up with a phantom bruise for the rest of your life.


Baht Fahn Yaow (phonetic spelling for Cantonese name)
White Flower Analgesic
manufactured in Hong Kong, find this in any Chinatown

Topical uses: stomach aches, decongestant, nausea
Oral use: place a tiny amount on your finger and apply it as far in your mouth as possible to help alleviate coughing
This stuff is AWESOME. Completely natural ingredients, too. It was made famous for me during childhood by our many vomit inducing car rides on winding roads. Rub some on your tummy or under your nose and you're good to go. Some people hate the smell of planes, and this works for that too. I also think it's the only Chinese medicine I've ever used that actually smells good.


Siang Pure Oil
product of Thailand, find this in any Chinatown

Uses (from the bottle, English corrections by yours truly): inhale fumes for relief from dizziness or feeling faint, topically used for relief from flatulence (I'm assuming gas), cramps, sprains, muscle strain, and insect bites.
I love the picture of the old dude with the long beard on the front. It feels extra Chinese-y to me. I never really used this stuff until now. It's GREAT for rubbing over stubborn muscle knots. I haven't used this for anything else, but the main ingredients are menthol and peppermint oil, so I'm sure it should work well as a general analgesic.


Wood Lock Medicated Oil
manufactured in Hong Kong, find this in any Chinatown

Ah, good ol' Wood Lock! Back in the day when I played a lot more sports, this stuff should have been simply strapped to me. Use for jammed fingers and sprains. Liberally rub this stuff in while stretching out your injury as much as you can stand it. Western medicine dictates you bandage up and don't allow movement to sprains. But I find this leads to stiffness and pain after the sprain has "healed" (they never really go away). For severe sprains, I would recommend a combination of Western and Eastern remedies.



Pak Si Pain Relieving Oil
manufactured in Singapore, find this in any Chinatown

Uses (from the bottle, English corrections by yours truly): for the temporary relief of minor aches and pains of muscles and joints associated with simple backache, arthritis, sprains, bruises, and sprains.
Why sprains is listed twice, I have no idea, particularly since I use this for one thing and one thing only. Spider bites! God damn fucking spiders!!! Ever since they've started biting me (don't know why) I've needed to use this stuff. I think it should be good for bug bites as well.

Be forewarned, Pak Si is like slightly viscous gasoline. It's main ingredient is TURPENTINE, so that should give you a good idea of what I'm talking about. Who knew paint thinner would be good for spider bites?


Iodine Tincture
find this in everywhere

Yeah yeah, this isn't really Chinese (though I'm sure we invented it, like everything else), but it gets honorary mention because it's smelly and you know it's working when it hurts. I grew up with stuff and have since gone back to it after being dissatisfied with Neosporin and the like (which keeps wounds moist and makes for a longer healing time). IMHO, for small cuts, scrapes, and nicks, there's nothing better than a butterfly band-aid and some classic poisonous iodine.

Young children and pregnant women shouldn't use this stuff and it's for minor wounds only. Large or deep cuts and abrasions should be treated with gauze or Super Glue® and probably a trip to the emergency room.

Well there you have it... there's more of course, but this is a basic rundown of what I use all the time to get through the day. Keep in mind that none of the items mentioned above should ever get in your eye, are for topical use, and you should use common sense when considering solutions for your own or someone else's medical care. In other words, don't sue me if you're a dumb ass.

better living through pharmacy

So whatever I got went from chills and body aches right to chest busting, wheezing bronchitis. I even had trouble sleeping because I sounded like a chew toy every time I exhaled. Sigh... and I thought I was doing so much better on the health front, too. But lucky for me, my doc and I have and understanding (after what happened last time) and she gave me a prescription for antibiotics over email :)

I ate my first dose of azithromycin with lunch and I'm already feeling better, but I'm still a phlegm factory; which means the occasional bout with some pretty violent coughing. I wonder if I should start a clothing line called "phlegm factory"? Hmmm... but I should misspell it to be "cool"... how about "Flem Phactory"? All the stuff I make would only come in greens or yellows and be soaked in Vicks Vapor Rub. What a great idea!

Dancing With the Stars: I don't get it.

Have you ever gotten a bruise and then not really remembered where or how it could have happened? Well, I got this beauty on the right arm and let me tell you, it hurts like the dickens! It also feels like there's a weird bump there now about the size of a slug. Weird.

In other weird news, apparently I was on TV. Channel 7 to be exact (our local ABC affiliate). I was interviewed about how BART was doing because of the maze closure on my fateful passport day and I think it aired during the 6 o'clock news (my cousin's mom spotted my interview - I'm sure I looked like quite the lump, being physically and emotionally drained that day). I wish I coulda taped it!

Since I've been god awful sick, I've been watching even more TV than I usually do. The Warriors beat the Mavs, which is really cool, if I cared at all how they did. But I gotta say I do love the interviews with Don Nelson. I recall the hey day of Warriors basketball when I grew up (Run TMC) and Nelly was a prick. Now he just seems like he doesn't give a damn WHAT happens, which is an attitude that I can look up to!

The one professional sports team that I DO care about is the Sharks… which of course makes the games entirely too painful to watch. Each season they seem to get better, but they still don't look as tight as East Coast teams. Maybe it's just a different style of play, but whenever I watch the Devils or say, the Penguins skate around, they look snappier.

But I digress, I was talkin' TV! Thanks to Shelley, my current eBay deal obsession remains a Tivo with lifetime subscription. One day...

Just hanging around not doing much...

Hmmm... not much to report lately. I think I'm finally coming down from dealing with the stupid passport thing and I'm not really sure where I'm at right now. Not even a visit to Target and eating fast food has lifted my spirits! What has the world come to??? Schmoopy has tried to help, but I don't want to spread my angry funk to anyone else. I think I just need time. Tomorrow will be better!

In the meantime, I would like to share with you a really cool plug in for iTunes that I read about in my favorite music blog. It's called iConcertCal and it grabs live show info based on your music library and location. It's not Apple sleek and pretty, but it works great! Anyone want to catch Ima Robot on June 10 at Slim's?

YES, I have my passport.

For weeks, nay, MONTHS, caring family and friends have asked me if I've received my passport yet. First it was nice, then it got to be depressing, then it started to piss me off (not at the asker of course, but at the situation). It has been almost 13 weeks to the day since I submitted my passport application, and after weeks of waiting, they sent me my passport with my middle name misspelled. When I saw the typo, it was all I could do not to tear up the room I was in. Serenity then, insanity now... read on...

So today I spent from 10am to 5:30pm dealing with it at the SF Passport Office. After about 5 hours of standing in line commiserating with everyone around me who were in a very similar situation, I finally have a correct passport.

From the hapless post office workers who were nice but of shitty help in the beginning of the process, all the way to the apologetic people at the passport office that were also of little help at the end, I say FUCK YOU. That's right!!! FUCK YOU, I HAVE MY PASSPORT. I have had empathy the entire time, was nice on the phone, was nice in person, but after being lied to repeatedly and being made to wait and wait and wait and fucking wait some more, they can all GO FUCK THEMSELVES WITH A GIANT BARREL CACTUS!!

I don't have any more silver fucking lining, no more positive spin, no empathy - they lied when they said it was going to be done in 6 weeks, lied about 8 weeks, lied about 10 weeks, and continued to lie about how I could get my passport corrected and when I should get in line. They lied not just to me, but to everyone. They told everyone to "be back at 3pm" and it'll be all fine. Then you go there at 3 at there's a line outside the building a block long because they've told everyone the same goddamned lie.

The way they have the passport application process set up now is to reward the ill prepared and irresponsible. I was in line right next to two people who asked for and got their passports the today because they were traveling sooner than I was. Meanwhile, I submitted in February and I'm in the same goddamn bitch shit fuck fuck shit bitch fuck shit fuck fucking line! I don't blame those people, I blame the Bush fucking idiot run U.S. Department of State for rewarding last minute travelers and by extension punishing people who had planned well in advance.

Meanwhile, their phone message says how busy they are and how hard they're all trying – I say FUCK THEM!!! FUCK THEM ALL UP THE ASS WITH A TELEPHONE POLE WITH A WORKER STILL ATTACHED TO IT. Tell them your travel plans have changed and you need your passport in 3 days and they'll give it to you because that's their dumb ass policy. They NEVER checked when I was actually going to leave. They can't check because their thumbs are SO FAR up their own asses that the tops of their heads are giving you a thumbs up to do whatever the fuck you want. LIE to them because they will LIE to you. Get your passport done early so you can make any corrections by mail instead of waiting and dealing with the dumb fuck office.

Also, a very special FUCK YOU to the surly security guards!!! I have ZERO sympathy for you and all the crap you have to deal with because the people you work for lie to everyone and piss them off, and all you do is enforce their BULLSHIT. FUCK. YOU.

Extra! Extra! Read some about it.

In breaking news, a part of the I-80/I-580 interchange melted and collapsed this morning due to a fuel tanker fire. An article in SF Gate adroitly wrote, "So far this morning, traffic on all the affected roadways remains light, but major backups are expected today and for the foreseeable future." That last insightful, Pulitzer prize winning part about major backups and the foreseeable future was all you really need actually. It pretty much sums up Bay Area traffic everyday.

I no so feels so goood...

How quickly things can change! It's been 15 minutes since I last blogged and now I am sucking down some fizzy Airborne water 'cause I don't feel so hot (or actually, I do, but it comes and goes).

I'm also remembering a weird dream I had. I was chasing down this giant white spider (about fist sized) trying to kill it. While doing so, I came across another spider exactly like it except it was dark brown. I ended up killing both of them after the white one lead me to a spot where there were all these spider eggs.

The dream probably comes from the fact that the other day Cathryn found another large spider (like the one that bit my face) in our room. I gotta find where they're coming from.

Also, no more computer Scrabble at 3am!

super rad!

You know the saying, "Be careful what you wish for?" Well, after I ran out of free return address labels (from non-profit junk mail - thanks!), I started dreaming of getting those Avery kind that you can customize and print out yourself. Lo and behold, my wishes were answered by an anonymous small packet of Avery do it yerself address return sticky labels.

On my first printing run, I got distracted by lunch and hit "print" without lowering the manual feed lid on the printer and walked off. What I ended up with was a ball of self stick address labels spackling the insides of my printer. I cleared the jam and thought all was fine – that is until today when I tried to print again. Like the Aliens monster, partial labels were left behind to form into smaller, shredded versions of the original and got even more stuck than before.

Forty five minutes, 2 screwdrivers, 2 types of tweezers, a #4 Torx bit, and a butter knife later, the jam was cleared. The secret weapon though? Bestine! Seriously, everyone needs to have this stuff in the house for cleaning up sticky messes (sorry, but earth friendly stuff just doesn't cut it). Oh yeah... dermal contact over extended periods of time can damage your kidneys – but it works great!

It came from the BLOG!!!!

Here are some more images from my frequent sojourns upon the nearby Bay Trail. I know two of the shots look like sewer gates, but I think they're more flood control or sluice gates for the reclaimed wetlands that are bordered by the trail. It took me about 45 minutes to get out here and I stopped going south at the picture of the bridge. Beyond there I'm sure will be a path that leads to the San Mateo bridge! Can't wait to see it, but I definitely have to work my stamina up to do it (yes, I'm old and slow).

In the category of non brutally boring sluice gate material to read, my passport is *almost* done. That is, I called twice, and by the second time I was informed that my passport only had one more process to go though – whatever that means. Sigh... 12 weeks and counting... If you need your passport, I suggest you either opt for expedited service or keep calling with long winded tearful stories of how you need to rescue 90 starving children and need your passport to do it (because we all know how nutritious passports are).

Oh yeah! I almost forgot! I went to the Parkway last night to catch The Host. It's a Korean action/horror movie that was pretty decent. Definitely different than the usual Hollywood crap (it's Korean crap instead!). I never did like movies with deliberate pacing on the slower side, so only 2 stars for me. The best part was afterwards when we went to the Smokehouse for a cheeseburger and chili cheese fries. OH YEAH!!

WWOD: What would Osama do?

Check out the tile! I wish I could have gotten a shot of the sub floor as well, but I think these two photos will suffice to show the tiling process. It only took two days, but they were about 5 hour days of being bent over (insert joke here) working with natural slate; and the word "slate" comes from the Native American word for heavy, viciously sharp rock.

Next up is to reinforce the door frame, which I discovered was installed with paper clips and chewing gum and then covered up with molding by the Home Depot door contractor. There's nothing like the feeling of paying well for someone to be lazy and prideless about the work they do on your home. Hooray!

I'm on it like a shock jock on unoriginal racial slurs

I would love to say that someone stole my idea, but the idea is actually from Blade Runner. But I DID say it should be lit by LEDs which could have the batteries in the handle. It looks like someone else figured out the same thing too, only they got off their ass and did something about it! Think Geek is now selling a LED Umbrella for 24.95. Forget the fact that you'll look like a citizen of an 80's vision of futuristic dystopia, with that light on, you can dart around on dark and rainy SF streets and actually been seen by the onrush of cars (and then get hit by them, but at least they will see you).

ps. Deckard was most certainly a replicant!

sorry, no blog today

So I finally caught that movie I, Robot starring Will Smith and I couldn't believe that it didn't suck! Sure, the story tried have some deeper philosophical meaning and didn't quite make it (what makes a soul, individual freedom, racial equality, blah, blah, blah), but the special effects and action sequences were most entertaining. I'd give it a solid 2.47 stars because I'm feeling generous, it's late, and I can't do any math right now (I base my ratings on a Mayan vigesimal algorithm).

But what I can do is entertain/torture you with this fun song from the hot little lesbian duo of t.a.t.u (don't ask me what the acronym stands for, why they are lesbians, where they are now, or what they do with robots, because unless they're on some d-list VH1 "celebrity" show, I don't know). By the way, the song is in some sort of Russian type language. Music PLUS culture! Don't you feel special?

Robot by t.a.t.u.

I'm a fugitive from justice

Who knew the 80's were back so big? (everyone but me, I'm sure) Giant bangs, vans, ugly turquoise leg warmers, and probably piano ties will be the next thing I see unfortunately walking around in my field of view (unless it's a film with John Cusack in it, I really don't want to see those things… gah!). But there is an upside though – apparently Wayfarers are also back, and I just sold my old pair that I had high school on eBay for a cool $51! It's going to some dude in Greece, so I guess he'll be wearing them during a very personal recreation of Duran Duran's Rio video.

Sighhh... I wonder how much my long deceased Vaurnet t-shirt would have been worth...

coolest video since OK Go's treadmill tango

Okay, so this isn't a super new idea, but it's done very well and the song is good to boot. I wish Mute Math the same success as the aforementioned OK Go :) Enjoy Typical!


The making of...

Alert: can't keep up with horny women

Most of the time, I do away quickly with spam, but sometimes it's just too amusing to pass up! I recently received an email from Merle Dodge with the titular alert. Inside was only some gibberish and a link. Sigh... I guess I'll just have to rely on the emergency broadcasting system to alert me of horny women like everyone else.

The word of the day is...
titular [titch • uh • lar] ~ noun
1. existing or being such in title only; nominal; having the title but none of the associated duties, powers, etc.: the titular head of the company.
2. from whom or which a title or name is taken: His titular Saint is Michael.
3. of, pertaining to, or of the nature of a title.
4. having a title, esp. of rank.
5. designating any of the Roman Catholic churches in Rome whose nominal incumbents are cardinals.
6. of, or relating to, tits (vul.)