Giving the ol' Double Deuce!

Ever notice how your tongue is a good indicator of you health? Eastern doctors have been using tongue reading techniques for years. Since I am of Eastern ancestry, I feel that I am qualified to give out a handy tongue guide.

Your Tongue Color is:
Red, like a nice juicy piece of fruit = You're pretty healthy or you drink enough water. My tongue is now like this pretty often since I started taking multi-vitamins from Costco.

White, kinda pasty red = This is how my tongue always used to be. I always had dry mouth from downing too much Sudafed for my sinus condition. Breathing in searing hot steam on a semi-regular basis freed me from the tyranny of Sudafed. This could also mean that you might be getting sick if your tongue is usually red. You probably need to drink more water and get some rest.

White, kinda creamy = That's probably just morning tongue. You know. The tongue you get in the morning. If your tongue is like this after you've brushed your teeth, you should probably drink lots more water and write apology notes to anyone sitting next to you on the bus.

White, kinda greenish = This is just the worst! You're probably sick, have severe halitosis, or both. Drink Listerine or Scope stat. People nearby, your houseplants, and the greenhouse effect will thank you. I've met people with this color tongue, whenever they spoke, it was like ghosts of the undead were escaping or something.

Bonus: If you bought that plastic tongue scraper I've seen on infomercials, please let me know so that I can try to sell you other useless things and take your money.