grateful for many things

I really wanted to blog about a recent experience, but I'm unsure how, so I guess I'll just write a stream of conciousness and you can ask questions later if you like.

Every time that I go onsite in SF for work, I'm required to walk up and down Sansome to and from BART. So of course, like many of you I'm sure, I often find myself being asked for spare change by homeless. I've gotten pretty jaded by it all, but this one woman would always ask for change and would always smile and be friendly regardless of the response. It struck me because I could easilly imagine how difficult it would be to show positivity from being in such a tough place. I found myself looking forward to being able to give her a dollar and a hello, but I would always try to keep our interactions short.

After a while though, I would ask her how she was doing. Invariably, she told me she was doing very badly. It just killed me to hear, from such an obviously good and gentle soul, that she was suffering. But I had already given her my dollar, was tired from work, and very much wanted to get home, so I exchanged a parting pleasantry and left her there on the corner where she often stands.

Most of the time, I would simply move on. But this time was different. I found myself unable to stop silently tearing up while waiting for the BART train. It just didn't seem right that I would go to a comfortable home while she would not. The more time passed, the more terrible I felt for leaving her there. I kept trying to think of her as some junkie, alcoholic, crazy person, or someone who was just lazy so I could rationalize her station in life. But I could not. I knew in my heart then as I do now, that for whatever reason, she in particular somehow did not deserve the hand she was dealt.

Maybe it's because she's an elderly Asian woman and reminds me of my mom. Maybe she just seemed truly helpless because of her age and slight build. But I kept thinking, what if I was supposed to help just one person in my life and that was it, and I just walked away? I know I'm probably being silly or stupid or obssesive something, but I can't help it. Just this one time, I want to do something personally, rather than through an organization or donation of money.

So after consulting with Amit (who worked at a homeless organization for several years), it was decided that I could do something. Something small, but meaningful. I packed a roll of toilet paper from home and went to Walgreens and picked up a fleece blanket, toothpaste, toothbrushes, lip balm, and some lotion.

I have been very anxious to give her this care package of sorts in hopes of making small difference. But alas, I have not seen her in two days and will not be onsite until next Monday. I hope that she is doing okay and that I'll be able to make my delivery to her soon.

Thankfully, a past coworker of mine left a bunch of audio files on her workstation. One of things I found was and audio book by the Dalai Lama called, The Art of Happiness. That, along with comfort from friends, has been a much needed source of emotional support. I would highly recommend it to anyone.